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Light and Darkness
It's one of those things that everybody has, their personal childhood fears, their nightmares. Nobody escapes growing up without them; usually, they're part of growing up, learning to face the monsters that lurked around the corner, standing up to something and not backing down.
Problem is, how do you face darkness?
The others don't know; at least, I don't think they do. I've seen Sai give me weird looks, but nothing other than that. All of the guys have graced me with those glances before, and I don't fault them. It's not like it's a new experience.
Being afraid isn't either.
Even before the fighting started, I'd always been wary of the dark, the shadows hugging the street walls, and what they hid. I guess it makes sense, me being what I am, the element of the armor I bear. But it doesn't make it any easier. I've lost track of all the times I've woken up to desperately switch on a light, driving back half-remembered nightmares and the dark that always followed---or was it preceded? Either way, it didn't matter, as long as I could see again.
The first time I fought Cale, I was scared spitless, but for Mia's sake, I didn't show it. He represented everything I had ever feared, all the inky black nighttimes in the world embodied in this one evil creature. It didn't help that the sun had gone down in that final battle or that Kento's life was at stake. Not even the stars were out, thanks to the snowstorm.
It was in that lightless hellhole I fought for everything I treasured most. I prevailed, but it was only until the sun rose that I started breathing easy again.
Then the second battle. I hadn't known before what would happen if I attacked in total blackness, thinking that my element would banish his, like it had always done before. Light chases away shadows. It was a basic core in my life.
It shook me to the very foundations of my soul when for the first time that I'd known, it didn't. I was rattled enough that I couldn't get a good grip on my power, to banish my blindness and see from where he attacked. Only Yuli's interference saved me that time; the Warlord already had me down to my sub-armor before he threw the Ancient's staff. A couple more seconds and I'd have been absolutely powerless against him.
And after that, I kept to the sunlight like the years had turned back and I was a child again, clinging to my mother's hand every time we passed a dark alleyway.
The thing was, when those streamers of night passed through my body, I could feel something tugging at me, at my mind, even as I screamed in pain. Later on I got a chance to think about it while meditating, and finally received my answer in a blinding flash of intuition. Cale wanted me. Not just my armor, but my body as well.
It just scared me all the more.
It made sense, in a twisted kind of way. Darkness cannot exist without light, and absolute light is just as blinding as absolute darkness. We're two halves of a whole, him and I, and I hate it. It made me wish for daylight 24 hours a day, just to keep him apart from me. Take the darkness and begone.
But then I'd have been denying another one of my teammates their source of power.
I'm not stupid, I know Rowen doesn't like the sunlight. He's also a creature of darkness, born of fire and starshine. Sometimes I catch him slipping out his window to dance in the woods, bathed only in the moon's rays. I track him with my mind occasionally, feeling the pure bliss he emanates from simply being in his element, the sheer joy of having unity with the stars. Of course during the day, or what's left of it when he actually gets up, he's smart-ass Rowen, never without a sarcastic comment on his lips, so different from that ethereal being of the night. I guess he's afraid that the others would tease him if they knew about him and his midnight walks, though in the back of his mind he knows they never would. Well, maybe Kento, but the Hardrock warrior teases everybody about everything. It's just Kento.
I mean, all of us know what Sai does sometimes, when he feels too deprived of his own element. Turning on the faucet isn't enough, though it helps. I know, I've seen him. From the balcony, our sweet fish is barely visible when he comes up for air, and then only on the brightest nights. When they're both out, you can hear their silent voices rising to the sky, the void and waters singing along with them.
I envy Rowen. He takes such comfort in the very thing I loathe, and while in the daytime he can't see his stars, he still can seek refuge in the sky. That's who he is. Me, though, I'm up with the sun, drinking in every last drop of warmth possible in preparation for the night. The crystals on my windowsill catch and refract my light, throwing tiny rainbows and suns onto my walls. It helps, a little.
It's ironic that Rowen and I were and still are best friends, we being so opposite in all these different ways. Loud, outgoing Rowen is somebody that a couple years ago I would never have dreamed of being friends with, but it happened, much to my surprise. I'm the quiet brooder of the team, taking solace in a cup of tea and a newspaper while the bearer of Strata goes out, gets sloshed, and drags himself home. It makes me wonder what type of kami is out there that enjoys such twists of fate.
Rowen, for his part, is always encouraging me to go out clubbing with him or the others, dropping subtle and not-so-subtle hints everywhere whenever they're about to spend a night partying. It usually works; I'm out and ready to go by the time the others start undressing. What can I say? It's not like I'm a total ice cube, no matter what the others think.
And I don't want to be left alone.
After awhile I realized there was something running underneath it, a softer undertone in our friendship. Entwined silver and gold, bright streaks mingling with argent rivers of color and feeling. This pairing also made sense, but more naturally, not like Cale would want me. We fit together like pieces in a puzzle, even better than darkness and light, since parts of me were intermingled with him. The sun is a star, and his moonlight is a reflection of mine. Black and white have definite boundaries, but there's nothing said about gray.
And after all, gray is better than pure darkness.
It's been a peaceful household these days and I think the others approve of our pairing. At least Sai's been flashing that adorable smile of his at us, when he's not swatting Kento with a spatula as his own partner tries to make off with the contents of the entire fridge. Ryo just shakes his head and Mia winks. They all have their little signals.
Rowen's come to help me appreciate the night more, to realize that the shadow doesn't necessarily mean something harmful is waiting out there for me. I know what it is, and it usually has blue armor.
Gray goes very well with dark blue.
~owari~
Sage: *sigh* You do this to me on purpose, right?
Ami: Well duh. I still have to get you back for dropping me out that window, you know . . .
Sage: *leaves a dust trail*